Archive for the ‘ Humor ’ Category

I Spy a Douchebag

Ren said it best when he exclaimed “You Eediot!”

  1. That idiot that needs to get over but instead of getting at the end of the long line of cars purposely continues, hoping for a gap or taking advantage of the kindness of others, and invariably someone lets them in.
  2. The dumbass not using turn-signals, weaving from one lane to another, unphased by the fact that they are causing people behind them to have to slam on the breaks.
  3. When the checkout lines are long, it’s that cretin that takes the first spot when a new line opens up instead of letting at least one of the other people that have been waiting to go first.
  4. The jerk that parks in front of your house/blows leaves on your lawn/piles snow on your property/etc.
  5. That person on their cell phone that is blocking the aisle or lingering at the checkout. Pay attention!
  6. That heathen that is talking on their phone or texting while “attempting” to drive.  Driving should be your number one priority.  If you couldn’t multi-task before, then why would it change now??! And why are you in the fast lane??!
  7. The moron in the fast lane that is not passing anyone.  Possibly they are one their cell phone (which leads me back to #6), but when they are not it make one wonder “What are you thinking?” Light speed isn’t going to suddenly kick in… Get out of the lane!
  8. That asshat barreling down the aisles of the parking lot that either takes your parking space or almost plows you over…
  9. That doof that is in the drive –thru placing 5 separate orders, each with their own special instructions. Go inside!!
  10. The dingus in the restaurant/movie theater/bar that’s talking/talking too loud/talking about inappropriate things, acting as if they are at home in their living room…if only they would go back there and never come out again!

 Imagine… Imagine a world without these nincompoops… wouldn’t be great?!  It all boils down to everyone paying attention and being more considerate of those around them. What a wonderful world it would be… Happy happy, joy joy…

2010
10/20
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To Tweet Or Not To Tweet…

 

Ah, Twitter… Clearly a social media phenomenon, it has taken a life of its own.  Who knew that the simple phrase “What’s happening?” (I miss Rerun) and 140 characters, give or take a few, would morph into the sensation it is today… (Well, Jack probably suspected, but that’s a whole other story…) From up-to-the-minute news reports, recipes, quotes, social commentary, pictures, weather, traffic, business promotions, to what others had for lunch, there is something for everyone.  While many individuals have an array of varied exclamations, proclamations, and questions presented for consideration, some repeatedly display rather annoying behavior.  I submit to you the Seven Deadly Sins of Twitter…

1. You have nothing to say, but are compelled to tweet.

            If you were standing in a group, and had nothing to contribute, you simply wouldn’t speak, but your presence would still be acknowledged.  On Twitter, no one knows who is actually present unless they make themselves known. Some feel compelled to contribute and do so without contributing…perplexing.

 2.  It’s all me, me, me…with a side of me…

            Twitter can be a slice of nirvana for those with narcissistic tendencies.  While we all have times where we toot our own horn, and rightly so, when it is a constant bombardment of one’s greatness, it makes a person wonder who they are trying to convince…the masses or themselves? 

 3. You ReTweet everything.

            Personally, I think the ability to RT is a great feature.  I have gained valuable insight, had a good laugh, and have been introduced to some great individuals and businesses that I would have not otherwise considering the vastness of Twitterville.  Conversely I have been annihilated with the same tweet over and over again…one from the originator and another from the serial Retweeters, especially the ones that retweet the same tweet multiple times.  Retweeting in moderation is great, if you RT virtually everything an individual or businesses puts out there it’s just too much.  If I have been made aware of them and I want to follow, great… I don’t need to vicariously follow them via someone else.

 4. Option 1 or Option 2?

            We all need help with purchasing decisions from time-to-time…and I’ll admit I am one of those individuals.  I am amazed though that some consistently need such assistance.  Do you not have some real-life (RL) friends to assist with these matters?  Do you really trust whoever is available on Twitter at that given moment to lead you in the right direction?  With the economy in a state of turmoil, wouldn’t it be wise to impose Option 3, saving?

 5. You whine and complain often.

            We all have our moments where we are cranky/sad/depressed and need an outlet to vent and sometimes we choose to tweet it out. Constant doom and gloom can start to wear on others… one can only commiserate so much.  If you use Twitter has a band-aid from time-to-time, fine.  If the problems are deep-rooted and often present, then another avenue or venue needs to be employed…stat.

 6. You don’t read the tweets, and then ask questions.

            Some dialogue on Twitter can become rather lengthy and complex.  Instead of taking the time to read the exchange, some ask for a recap.  You know those people, whether a friend, roommate, or family member that appear after 45 minutes of a 1-hour show and asks “what is happening?”…  Yea, it’s like that…

 7. Ignoring your tweeps.

            Ok, so I “@” someone…no reply.  If this happens occasionally it’s no big deal – sometimes the sea of Twitter is wrought with Whales, apps are crashing, they could be working/eating/sleeping/getting busy, or simply have a dead battery or no Wi-Fi.  What I find perplexing is when I follow someone and they follow me but refuse to ever engage in conversation.  Why?  Why follow?  And even if you don’t follow a person that asks you a question/congratulates you on a new job or business venture/wishes you Happy Birthday/simply commiserates with you and feels your pain, it’s polite to acknowledge that they took the time to engage with you.  Isn’t that quite possibly one reason why you are on Twitter, to connect with others? And we can SEE you tweeting…

 

Remember, Twitter will not give you “a life”… you have to get it yourself.  Don’t become too consumed and forget that there is a whole world around you…the real world.  Go out and live…then tweet about it, and be kind to your fellow tweeps.  ;o)

2010
08/05
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Ways to Keep Reality from Slapping You in the Face

Let’s face it, some people “get it” while others consistently do not.  Reality is relative, fluid, impressionable… One person’s reality is different from another’s.  It is important to have a good sense of what reality is, realistically, but that can be challenging.  Before you resign to living in your own little world, here are some tips to help keep you grounded…

1. Look at things from multiple angles.

Even the simplest of scenarios/predicaments/situations is multifaceted.  Believe what your gut tells you, but it can be prudent to get a second opinion.   Taking a peak from another point-of-view may glean some additional insight.

2.  Ask for perspective from those you trust (but that will also be honest).

If you solicit opinions on a topic from a handful of close friends, even though perspectives can vary, there will likely be some similarities or commonalities.  Build from those little nuggets of truth.

 3. Pay attention people!

Clues are everywhere… They may be subtle, but never-the-less present and still significant.  Being able to pick-up on even the subtlest of clues will provide a more well rounded picture which could change your outlook.

 4. Be careful when you lie to yourself.

Sometimes reality can be cruel or unpleasant and, in order to preserve or psyche, we must cushion the blow.  We have all lied to ourselves at one time or another and just like polishing off a box of cookies in one sitting, we are completely aware but we go into a sort of “autopilot”.  It can be a slippery slope if you are unable to pull yourself back to the truth to deal with at a later (but not too much later) time.  When you keep repeating the lies over and over again and try to convince others, that’s when you know you’ve gone too far as those around you (unless being affected by the same predicament) can see what is really going on.

 5. Reassess from time-to-time.

Just because something was valid before, doesn’t mean the same holds true now.  Reality changes without notice and without warning, so it’s best to check in occasionally.

 Having a good grasp on reality is a powerful thing… Only when one is fully aware of their reality can they take action to mold or change it.  ~ J

2010
06/14
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Everyone Loves Boobs

Over the past couple years, confirmed after a recent outing with a bunch of fab ladies it is undeniable… Everyone loves boobs.  Like small (and not so small) spherical planets, we are drawn to them.  Men, woman, children…for different reasons and in difference  ways, everyone has an opinion and appreciation. Guys ogle over them, woman often enhance them, but there is certainly something appealing about a nice rack.

From Mardi Gras to the  “Wet T-shirt Contest”… even restaurants were created with breasts as their cornerstone (and I’m not just talk ‘in chicken). Boob jobs have become more commonplace by not just the rich and famous but by the everyday woman, and every bra manufacturer is on the quest to create the perfect bra that enhances the bust line beautifully.    

Growing up I had no idea the immense power boobs had.  I wasn’t an early bloomer.  I was average size… until the last year or so of high school when I gained a little weight and a disproportionate amount went to the chest area.  Boys started to talk to me more, sometimes directly about my recent “developments”.  This parlayed into college and my first jobs. At times I actually resented my ampleness… I was often characterized by my appearance, as many of us are, and I found that to many “more boobs = less brains”.

In the last few years I have really started to appreciate what I have, my DDs included.  It seems this change coincides with the underlying shift in society… a shift where women seem to be much more accepting of one another and bonding together to “Save the Tatas”.  Boobs are not the end-all-be-all, but I have to say…whether big, small, fake, real…they are pretty great.

~J

2010
05/28
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I Miss 4th Grade…

Taking the time to take an introspective look at one’s self, even a brief analysis, is important.  It’s a time to reassess, regroup, rethink, and reflect.  It can be fascinating to see the long journey we have made to the here and now.  I generally happen upon these moments of inner reflection when I am restless, conflicted, or confused.  When I cannot find my answer outward I must look inward as this is often where many answers lie.  These are often times of growth and the growing pains can sometimes be rather painful on the psyche, or they are those “Ah-ha!” instances where connections are made.  It was during one of these moments that I realized that much of my life in general could be explained by lessons and observations from, well, 4th grade.  It was an amazing year full of boys, music, and discovery… and little did I know I was learning so much…

  • Proper accessorizing is crucial.

4th grade was the year I got my ears pierced (for an ‘A’ in Spelling, thank you very much!). I was so excited, but then this was when people only pierced their ears and not every possible part of their body.  I was not allowed yet to wear makeup, so I was enthralled with painting my nails, finding cute earrings (that weren’t too big lest they be taken away or too cheap that I got an infection), and making bobby pin beaded adornments for my sneakers. 

  • It’s nice to kiss and hold hands.

Sometimes it’s not all about the heated sultry moments (don’t get me wrong, those are good too), but sometimes a good kiss, holding hands, a hug or cuddle can be highly appreciated.  Back then, a kiss could send me over the moon… and even now, a good kiss can still rock my world.

  • When someone teases you that could really mean they like you…

If someone takes time repeatedly to interact with you, there’s a reason. Think about it…

  • Music is magical.

I remember singing in music class, belting out tunes at recess, and associating fond memories of Spring Break to certain songs on the radio at that time.  Music still plays a large part in my life and has the power to transport me to different moments in time to feel those emotions once again.

  • Try new things!

I distinctly remember the teacher decided to have a day where everyone brought in something unusual to eat.  Someone brought in pigs brains.  Yes, pig brains.  If I remember correctly they were seasoned and lightly battered, floured, and sautéed… and they were excellent.  Everyone liked them but no one wanted to admit they liked pig brains, so we sneaked up to the table for seconds when we thought no one else was looking.

  • Just because it’s hard to believe doesn’t mean it’s not true – keep an open mind!

It was in 4th grade that Kara told me about sex.  I remember is vividly. It was a lovely spring day and we were at recess. She tried to explain using hand gestures and as few words as possible (then again who knows if she or I actually knew all the terminology at that time to properly describe the act).  Anyway, I called her a damn liar.  I noted the information but dismissed it for the most part as completely absurd.  Little did I know she was absolutely right…

  • Take joy in the little things.

Whether it is a beautiful day spent outside, a quick kiss, a juicy secret from a friend, or a fab PB&J sandwich, it is the little things that can make each day amazing. Savor those moments…they happen more often than you think!

2010
05/06
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‘Flaky’ Should Be a 4-Letter Word

Flaky

flak·y [fley-kee]   –adjective,flak·i·er, flak·i·est.
1. of or like flakes. 
2. lying or cleaving off in flakes or layers.
3. Slang. eccentric; wacky; dizzy: a flaky math professor.
(Source: www.dictionary.com)

 Wacky? Dizzy? They forgot “pain in the ass”, “frustrating”, “unreliable”, “whiny”, “wishy-washy” and “utterly obnoxious”.  I seem to have a propensity to attract these types of individuals…those that are always ‘iffy’ on plans, never show up, bail at the last minute with some lame ass excuse, or change plans on you will little to no notice.  Call me crazy (but not flaky) but is it too much to expect people to plan in advance and stick to the plan or not feed me some malarkey at the last moment as to why they cannot follow through?  Why is the last moment seem to be the only opportune time to relay that plans have changed, especially when the plans were made days/weeks/months in advance?  Additionally there are those that say they will do something and never do, or those who are unable to communicate because they are so busy (i.e. “I forgot”, “I don’t care enough”, or “I am full of crap”). There are the repeated excuses, empty promises for the future, but time comes and goes without any progress.  There could be a number of reasons… Laziness?  Lack of commitment?  Poor time management skills? Inability to manage ones schedule?  It’s hard to say, but frustrating as hell.

 Perhaps though, since I seem to deal with so many flaky individuals, it begs the question…Is it me?  Am I part of the problem? 

Perhaps I am too agreeable, too nice when I deal with these individuals?  Maybe I should be more firm and let them know this is unacceptable?  More than likely I do not want to ‘rock the boat’ or upset my friend(s), but if this behavior is continuous, are they really a true friend?  I consider a friend someone I can count on, especially when the going gets tough….perhaps that is why I have so few, but those I have are incredible.

So, if you are one of the perpetrators of this heinous crime of being flaky, take heed.  I will no longer be accepting your lame-ass excuses and last minute changes to the agreed upon plans (unless they are necessary or an improvement, then we’ll see).  If you want to whine, go to your mamma… if you want a good friend who will be dependable, keep promises, and do what they say they are going to do (unless a truly reasonable and understandable conflict arises), then come see me.

 

2010
04/28
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Timing Is Everything… An Examination of Contradictions

People often frustrate me.

I often don’t know why they do what they do.  Logically I dissect the situation and logic seems to play little in the outcome.  I think many people are simply on “auto pilot”.  As Lillian Smith once said – “When you stop learning, stop listening, stop looking and asking questions, always new questions, then it is time to die”. If that is the case then I am in one of those “Day of the Dead” movies, complete with bewildered blank stares, but sans mindless groaning… most of the time anyway. 

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.  So if the choices are drooling idiot or the insane asylum, then I chose neither.

Some of the biggest mind bogglers I encounter daily are simply a matter of taking time to think things through, saying what you mean and mean what you say, not only talking the talk but walking the walk, and utilizing the English language in all its miraculous diverseness…

 Saying “I’m sorry” when one isn’t actually sorry or not doing so when one truly is.

 I went to a seminar a couple of years ago where the speaker brought up this topic and the simple recommendation was this… Say ‘sorry’ when you truly are, but don’t when you really are not.  After that day I noticed that most individuals apparently don’t know how to properly use the phrase “I’m sorry”.  Most people could be put into one of two camps…those that say “I’m sorry” to everything, even if they weren’t involved nor had any involvement, and those that would never dare mutter those words. I soon became sorry for the awareness that had been imparted upon on me. The phrase “thank you” is often over or under utilized in this same manner as well.  Overuse of any word really diminishes its credibility and impact.

 Saying “I love you” when “I like/lust for/want to just spend this one night with/obsess about you” is the intended expression and other crimes of emotional intent…

 If only we could all say exactly how we feel, when we feel it…not only how we feel ourselves but also how we feel towards others.  There are so many adjectives in the English Language, though many utilize the basics only (happy, sad, mad, etc.).  To be happy is one thing, to be elated is quite another.  How many times have you heard people say “I didn’t realize how upset you were”, or “I didn’t know how much you cared”?

 Labeling something ‘important’, but contradicting this notion by investing little time or energy.

 Repeatedly saying something or someone is important does not make it important, investing time and energy into it does.  Prioritize your life and take time for the people and things that matter most to you… doing so will strengthen the relationships most important to you and make one’s life more fulfilling.  If you tell me I’m one of the most important people in your life, then show it. If you tell me weekly how you want to lose 15 lbs., then shut your trap (quite literally) and just DO IT!

Run along, prosper, and live life fully… as a statement, not a contradiction.

2010
04/21
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Love and Marriage: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Love and Relationships

  1. It isn’t easy.  A good relationship requires constant upkeep and work… Some people spend more time on their lawns and then wonder why their marriage is in the crapper… There is quite a bit of work behind any good marriage…some make it look effortless – don’t be fooled.
  2. The movies lie, big time (as well as soap operas, romance novels and the like)…  Movies portray a perfect scenario with perfect lighting, perfect people in a perfect world.  Often the underlying message from the media is a sound one…just chuck the glass slipper, white knight, and fair maiden and insert someone real, in real life circumstances, with real life limitations.
  3. Loving someone is easy, the rest is the hard part.  Seriously, loving someone is easy… and that’s where many people stop when it comes to relationships.  Loving someone unconditionally, showing respect, and being a good friend…these are the ways to truly show someone that you love them.
  4. Strive for 50/50.   This is a fluid division, but the goal to strive for is 50/50 for contribution to the relationship.  Many relationships tend to be slightly off the mark, such as 45/55 or 40/60, but when the divide becomes consistently greater, it can lead to resentment and animosity.
  5. Don’t expect the other person to fully change. I have seen people change, grow, and mature during a relationship…I have not seen them change into a completely different person. Be realistic in your expectations and know that no one is perfect.
  6. The ‘D’ word or ‘B’ word sometimes must be discussed.  Just because “divorce” or ‘breakup” is brought up doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sometimes it is something that must be discussed.  Most relationships, even the great ones, have their questionable moments and times of despair. Stepping near the edge of the cliff and jumping off are two totally different things.
  7. Be prepared.  You think you’ve been through every up and down imaginable and have seen it all… The minute one thinks this, Life throws them a curve ball and the unexpected is realized.  The difficult times will either strengthen or breakdown the bonds we have.  Our attitudes, perceptions, and expectations will define which will occur.  I repeat, our attitudes, perceptions, and expectations will define which will occur. 
  8. Be the best you can be, regardless.  You should aim to be the best you can be and bring your all to the relationship.  The better the participants, the better the relationship.
  9. Don’t take it all too seriously… seriously.  Sometimes we get all wrapped up in a single event or circumstance.  A relationship should meet your needs and one of those should be enjoyment.  Apply the “6 Month Rule”… Is this something that will be relevant or impactful 6 months from now?  If not, then it’s likely something not to dwell on too long.
  10. The grass is rarely ever greener… Yes, the novelty of someone new can be thrilling and exciting, but, as with most things, the novelty will eventually wear off.  What then? Having someone whom you share a history with, is on your side and in your corner is much more valuable than an enticing prospect.  Over time the ‘magic’ may be lost or misplaced… reconnect and find it once again.

 All things considered, sometimes a relationship just doesn’t work, despite the best efforts of all parties involved. We all have unique and intricate personalities and characteristics that are not a perfect pairing with everyone and that’s o.k.  In those instances the best thing you can do is be honest, respectful, amicable, and willing to try again.  Hey, if Ed and Peggy can stick by each other through thick and thin and still come out laughing, there’s hope for all of us.

 

Note From the Author  

Coming from someone who has been in a committed relationship for almost 15 years (12 of those married) this list is far from complete and may just be the tip of the iceberg.  We have had our share of ups and downs and looked over the edge of the cliff a time or two.  Each high was a time to enjoy, each low a lesson to be learned… and I wouldn’t change a thing.

2010
04/06
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10 Signs You Might Have Puffer Fish Syndrome

  

 

  1. You’ve bragged about your degree/car/home within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. (Likely coupled with the flashing of jewelry/accessories/gadgets…)
  2. You actually stick your chest out when you speak to people (with exception to those wearing a wiretap or in possession of a nice rack…)
  3. Chest protrudes even further when threatened…
  4. You resemble a squirrel.
  5. Your self-worth and that of others is directly tied to how many people you are away from the head honcho.
  6. You were likely beat up as a little kid.
  7. You blow so much smoke out your ass (or up others) that you actually effect global warming.
  8. Pretty much everything you have done or own is the “coolest thing ever”…everything else is crap.
  9. Logic is rarely a requirement for discussion.
  10. No matter what the story or scenario, you can always “1-Up” (i.e. you have a bigger and better story that might be your own, or belong to your significant other/cousin/dentist/the waiter from yesterday’s lunch out/etc… It doesn’t matter whose story it is just as long as it’s grander…)

 

2010
03/30
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Top 15 Things I’ve Learned (through trial/error, complete faux pas, or just by being a dumbass) That You Should Know Too…

 

 

Drawing on life experiences, mishaps, and time-sucks, here is a (certainly not definitive ) list of things to keep in mind as you navigate through your day…

  1. Just because you’re doing it & think its cool, doesn’t mean everyone else does.  (…plus some people lie about it anyways, whatever “it” is…)
  2. You really could shoot your eye out.
  3. First step for almost all computer issues is to reboot and see if that fixes it. (It is the first thing that the Help Desk will ask you to do anyways, so save yourself the time.)
  4. Blood, wine, or grass stains should be addressed immediately.
  5. If backed into a corner, most will come out fighting.
  6. No Gnews really is Good Gnews.
  7. Unless it has potential to be pivotal 6 months or a year from now, get over it!
  8. It is how we act when times are tough that truly defines us.
  9. Sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side, but it too will wilt and die if not tended to.  It really is what you make of it.
  10. Relationships are hard, but enjoying them is the reward, so do!
  11. You should never have to pay full price for anything, unless you want it now.
  12. We all have people in our lives that emulate Seinfeld characters… Who is your “Newman”?
  13. Don’t spread yourself too thin… Be great at a few things rather than mediocre at many things.
  14. Check the mirror for bad hair/eye boogies/bats in the bat cave/etc. from time-to-time.
  15. Find happiness in the little things and the grand events will be epic.

Next Post:   Your Worst Enemy: Part 1  (*gasp*)

2010
03/02
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